Different Words for Happiness

In today’s culture, there is a growing myth that suggests that extroverts are happier than introverts. A lot of research too seems to support this theory and tacitly, even introverts buy into this. But how true is this research?  

In her engaging book, The Introvert’s Way, Sophia Dembling cuts through all the smoke and mirrors. She talks about research done by psychologist Will Fleeson, PhD, of Wake Forest University, which found a strong correlation between acting extroverted and feeling happy. In several studies, Fleeson asked students to periodically record how extroverted they were behaving as well as how happy they felt at such times. Fleeson’s research ended up suggesting that behaving like extroverts would make introverts happier. 

Dembling talks about delving deep into this research and coming up with questions that she later posed to the researcher. “The first thing Fleeson explained to me is that he used a very specific definition of extroversion. None of Jung’s energy-in/energy-out stuff. Instead, he had people describe how they were feeling in words he says are most consistently used to describe extroversion: talkative, enthusiastic, assertive, bold, energetic. He also used a specific set of words to describe positive affect (science-speak for looking happy): excited, enthusiastic, proud, alert, interested, strong, inspired, determined, attentive, active.” 

In fact, most of the words used to describe both feelings as well as happy behaviour were extrovert-centric. Dembling goes on to say: “Where are introvert-centric terms such as peaceful, content, engaged, engrossed, focused, amused, composed, and calm?”   

Fleeson had based the design of his study on a three-legged stool description of happiness commonly used by researchers, but had ended up using only one leg of this stool – positive affect. According to Dembling, positive affect is basically “the kind of “happy” that other people can see: visible, external, noisy happy.” Fleeson didn’t include either life satisfaction (our own judgement of how our lives are working overall, instead of our happiness or unhappiness at a specific moment) – or the absence of negative affect (an absence of negative feelings like anxiety, fear and anger, which means we are at peace with life and feel calm) in his overall design. 

Isn’t feeling calm an “introverted” way of being happy? Dembling says: “But Fleeson didn’t use that leg in his research, and so one could argue that words describing introvert happiness are not even included in the way Fleeson measured happiness.” With an incomplete design and research that was biased towards what Dembing calls“extrovert-style happiness,” Fleeson had reached a conclusion that added to the narrative of extroverts as happy and introverts as “should-be-extroverts.” 

As human beings, we all exist on a continuum and introverts can “act” extroverted when the situation calls for it. But a lot of our unhappiness stems from the fact that we feel pressured to constantly behave like extroverts. And in societies that prize extroversion, like America, we are not the in-group. Being on the fringes obviously affects our happiness as well. 

But owning our true nature can point us to our true north. If being happy means that I feel content or connected or whole, I can channel my energy towards activities that bring me those feelings instead of worrying about what’s wrong with me when I don’t feel like attending a big party. Claiming our own words for happiness can help us connect to our own sources of happiness.

Coming out as an Introvert

“All this talking, this rather liquid confessing, was something I didn't think I could ever bring myself to do. It seemed foolhardy to me, like an uncooked egg deciding to come out of its shell: there would be a risk of spreading out too far, turning into a formless puddle"
                              - Margaret Atwood 

“All the quiet people should be sent off to a corner,” someone said dismissively during a discussion of how a talkative group in an office were disturbing the not-so-talkative ones. But how should these poor, quiet souls cope with all the noise? That was an easy solution. Why, of course, that’s what headphones were for. 

I bristled inside but in true introvert fashion couldn’t come up with a quick-witted, think-on-my feet kind of response. I should have said: “Maybe the chatty ones should be put in a room, so the people who are actually working can work.”  That was the kind of snappy come-back I wanted to give. Only it sounded kind of rude to me. 

But that might have been okay, since what this person said was downright rude too. Only, it’s not considered out of place to say something like this. Today, it’s normal to speak down to or disparagingly about introverts. If you are quiet, it must be because you have nothing to say, because you have no opinions of your own. For some reason, it doesn’t mean that you could be a thoughtful, reflective person who considers every side of the argument. Somehow, it also doesn’t mean that you may not want to share half-baked thoughts. It’s easy for our quiet to get filled up by other people’s interpretations. 

This is true in many cases, but I have to confess that it’s also true that sometimes, I confuse my own introversion and my fears. When I am just plain scared of coming out and saying what I really think, I falsely attribute it to being reserved and introverted. Separating these two strands – when I am acting out of fear and what is a normal introverted reaction – has become extremely important in clarifying who I am.   

What’s also become hugely important is fully accepting my introversion, instead of struggling against it because it does not fit the extrovert ideal. I do intellectually understand that my way of being is as valid as any other. But the work now is to reframe what I’d been told were my weaknesses. For example: Depending on the situation, being able to spend time on your own can become a huge strength. When you are in the middle of a big transition, such as my move to a new country, being able to provide support to yourself in the absence of friends or family makes you much more adaptable. 

For most of the last year and a half (since my move to the U.S), I felt this compulsive need to find and fit in with people until I realized that what I am looking for is my own tribe, and that can take time to find. In the meantime, instead of constantly looking outside, I could turn inside for nourishment. Like many other introverts, I connect deeply with nature, music, and all that is bigger than us. Finding ways to integrate that in my life, like taking photography classes to nurture my connection with nature, has helped me connect to a source bigger than me. Whenever I am engaged and present, I am not lonely. 

But for this to happen (and I am still in the process), I had to let go of beliefs that said that my ways of functioning as an introvert were wrong. My beliefs also said that to be healthy and happy meant being similar or equal to an extrovert. It doesn’t. 

As introverts, we need to stop apologizing for our preferences and start reclaiming our nature. We also need to stop buying into the myth that everyone needs the same things to be happy. When we can do that, we can start growing into our true happiness. 

In Transition – Resistance

In his wonderful book, The War of Art – Steven Pressfield talks about resistance – that insidious force that inhibits our growth and keeps us stuck. 

Resistance is what kicks in when we are trying to make substantial changes – whether it is pursuing a calling in a creative field, launching our own business or making a huge commitment like getting married or having a child. 

When we are in its grip, resistance feels completely personal, as if we are the only person on earth terrified of making that giant leap. But resistance is universal and impersonal. Pressfield says: “It doesn’t know who you are and doesn’t care. Resistance is a force of nature.”  That’s something to remember when we are summoning up our courage to confront it. Everyone on earth faces resistance. 

What’s useful to us is that resistance unfailingly points the path that we are called to walk on. Pressfield gives us a rule of thumb: “The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel towards pursuing it.” “If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.” If we are paralyzed and scared out of our wits, that’s our sign to start moving. But how do we judge that what we are experiencing is, in fact, resistance and not healthy fear? 

Pressfield gives us some clues. One of them is that resistance only obstructs in one direction – when we are moving from a lower to a higher level and never the other way around. “So if you’re in Calcutta and working with the Mother Teresa Foundation and you’re thinking of bolting to launch a career in telemarketing...relax. Resistance will give you a free pass.” And if we are close to completing something, close to the finish line, and then sabotage ourselves, that’s resistance too. In fact, that’s when resistance is most powerful – when we are close to defeating it.

For many of us, resistance shows up in the form of procrastination. We keep on delaying the next action, telling ourselves that we’ll do it tomorrow. What we don’t tell ourselves is that today is as good a day as any to start and that the conditions are never going to be perfect. We are in the middle of our messy, imperfect lives and we will always be in the middle of our messy, imperfect lives. We might not be perfectly prepared, but it is also true that no amount of preparation gives us the ability to foresee and control the future. The only way to combat Resistance is to feel our fear, stay with our fear, and move ahead in spite of our fear. If and when we can do that, we can escape the tragedy of what Pressfield calls “The Unlived Life,” a life where we knew who we could be, but we didn't quite get to becoming all of that.