Friday, March 28, 2014

Being heard

In the shade of a giant tree, in a neighborhood park, Susan tells me about her life. She talks about her divorce – it happened a long time ago – and about a son she doesn’t meet very often. She tells me her mother grudges her things she needs and about the jewelry from her grandmother that should have been hers. In her mind, not getting these things is somehow connected to her former husband.

At one point, I think she is paranoid. She weaves through the start and end points of incidents, mixing random events. She makes up motivations for why someone said something, why certain things happened. I don’t know Susan very well. She is, at best, an acquaintance. I listen because I know that she needs someone to listen to her.

But I feel slightly jaded. My attention flits away. I think, here I go again, playing my default role. What use will my listening be? Then, I think, not everything has to have a use. This is something I can give. I will myself to listen.

After she has talked for a while, Susan looks cheerful. I walk back home, realizing that it’s been almost two hours. For the last many weeks, I have been extremely resistant to doing any creative work, whether it’s writing or photography, and I have completely stopped writing my daily morning pages.       

It’s only when I start writing them again that I acknowledge what’s been happening. Writing wipes down the smudges, gives a clarity that’s threatening. It’s easier to just float along and think that everything is pleasant. As soon as something uncomfortable comes up, I shut down.

Given a choice between telling my own truth and displeasing other people, I have usually chosen other people and abandoned myself. Not this time, I think. I start my writing practice again, without scolding myself for stopping.

At the end of our conversation, after having got some of the gunk out, Susan told me she knew she got anxious. Maybe it was just the anxiety talking. I think of Susan - how she is both fanciful and lonely. Can not being heard make you go crazy. Can turning your imagination against yourself make you less than sane?

I decide that Susan is not crazy. She has just built up so much loneliness that she has entangled all the different things in her life.

6 comments:

  1. I have found that when people talk to you about painful issues, it's because you have a face that actually looks like it cares. Once I realized that, I decided I had better start caring. If it comes at personal cost to me - and it usually does - that's a small price to pay for someone else's peace of mind.

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    1. Yes, I feel similarly too. I think the only downside is if you come across someone who is purely a taker.

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  2. As a lonely person myself may I just tell you thank you for your gift of 2 hours to someone who needed it. It means more than words can describe, there are so few people who are willing to care. But your right, always beware the the "takers".

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    1. Thank you ! I feel like it is in my nature to give and it makes me feel "right." If I don't do it, I feel like I have done something wrong. I think the problem comes up when I have used up my resources on the wrong things, and then I don't have enough to give. So becoming discerning in who has a real need is very important for me to have balance.

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  3. I love how you write Ritu! I'm new to your blog. I find myself nodding at a lot of what you say/feel. I'm starting (I think!) to get better at give me "me time", but not always. Most of the time I listen to people because they need to have someone hear them, be non-judgmental, be supportive, whatever, and if I keep that in mind, it helps from draining me, most of the time! :-) I've asked God in the past to allow me to be an instrument to work His blessings, and sometimes I don't know why He asks me to listen, but I do because they need me to. And sometimes He gives me the blessing of a surprisingly quiet walk home where I can hear the birds sing and the sound of a gentle breeze, and that recharges me.

    It is nice that you gave the gift to your acquaintance, sounds like it eased her burden some. Hopefully soon you will receive a gift in kind down the line. I'm sure you will.

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    1. Thank you Bay !

      That's a lovely way of looking at it. I believe that too - what you give comes around in some form. It's all just flowing. As I've grown older, I have somewhat lost that sense of deep knowing I felt about this though. Giving, when someone needs you, is a gift. As someone who is not very good at giving to themselves, I am learning that I need to also learn to take care of myself. And to extend some of that compassion to myself.

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